Few astronomy accessories have evoked such passionate allegiance on the one hand and condescending disdain on the other as the humble Telrad. No matter how YOU feel about this simple little device, one fact remains. Nothing lasts forever. Not even a Telrad! Time exacts its inevitable toll. One day the little box will expire, its three red eyes dosed forever. What then? Many will not wish to go on without their Telrad. It is for them that this article was written.

1. With silk lining, becomes casket for gerbils.
2. Planter for Japanese Bonsai tree.
3. Bread box for midget.
4. With minor modifications can be converted into a periscope to look THROUGH obstacles rather than OVER or AROUND them.
5. Useful as a visual aid in electronics courses when discussing black boxes.
6. Marital aid for the terminally weird.
7. With trumpet mouthpiece can be used to make musical sounds comparable to a flatulent aardvark.
8. Storage box for the witticisms and pithy sayings of Dan Quayle.
9. "High tech" ashtray.
10. "Conversation piece" candy bowl for licorice drops.
11. Addition of tiny red plastic flag to ON-OFF switch converts Telrad to rural route mailbox.
12. Covered butter dish.
13. Water trough for Shetland pony.
14. Set on the dining table as a mini trash can for those annoying little scraps of paper from the tops of "Equal" or "Sweet and Low" packets.
15. Presentation case for a duck call.
16. Wardrobe closet for Herve Villachez (Tatu--"Boss, dee plane, dee plane!")
17. "Hope Chest" for Mike Tyson and Robin Givens.
18. Painted with camouflage pattern, be-comes footlocker for G.I. Joe
19. Easily converted to tanning chamber for Barbie dolls.
20. A place of honor to store those cherished "Mood rings" of yesteryear.
21. Leprechaun drunk tank for small municipal jail.
22. A place where Silly Putty can go and just be itself without constantly having to be silly. A quiet getaway nook for somber and reflective meditation for those little balls of flexible fun who have served you so well down through the years.
23. With wheels, a ladder, and a coat of red paint, becomes a delightful fire truck for the Weeble People.  (Weeble People ?? Ask any child under five.)
24. Handy storage for those pesky (and elusive) "ties" for garbage bags.
25. Distinctive hoed ornament for the astronomer who wishes to "make a statement" with his automobile.
26. Ground up into a powder and stirred in with milk of Magnesia, Worcester-shire Sauce, and blackstrap molasses, the Telrad becomes a powerful aphrodisiac.
27. When substituted for the planchette (pointer) on a Ouija board, invariably spells out S-A-R-R-A-N-T-O-N-I-O.
28. Ideal for "The Bank" to use to hold those little houses and motels during a game of Monopoly.
29. Mounted vertically on your automobile dash, becomes Saint Telrad, the Patron Saint of Concentric Circles.
30. When attached to the end of a forked willow branch, becomes a "Witching Rod" to help locate subterranean mascara deposits.


EDITOR'S FOOTNOTE: This is Mr. Cull's first published article in Prime Focus. He is currently working on a How-To article entitled "Converting Your C-8 Into a Surveyor's Transit Using Only Common Hand Tools" which will appear in our annual Ramadan issue.